Belonging isn’t merely necessary – it’s actually inevitable. Despite all the ways we often feel thrown out, or like we are too different, or that we ourselves walked away, belonging still endures. What do I mean when I say that?
Last week I introduced my video series on the Orders of Love. “Belonging” is one of those Orders of Love. As a review, before I dive more into belonging, here is the intro I wrote for that series:
All systems have patterns they “prefer.” Without those patterns, systems become unhealthy for the participants, and unsustainable in the long run.
Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations, called these patterns “Orders of Love.” (If for any reason you don’t like “orders” – a very German word! – then “patterns” or “rhythms” work fine, too.) Hellinger observed families, in particular, and over time noticed that there were a few basic ways families, at an unconscious level, “liked” to be organized. When those didn’t get maintained somehow, there was dysfunction.
When we meet a family or other system that isn’t working well, we can use Hellinger’s categories (“orders”) to inquire into what is going on – how, specifically, is the distress being maintained? And, these orders can hold the key to healing.
Hellinger noticed a number of specific patterns. Some of them are:
- Honoring & Including “What Is”
- Respecting Belonging
- Respecting Seniority, Role & Contribution
- Respecting the Balance of Giving & Taking
- Addressing Wrongs (without Revenge)
Today, I am launching into the second order: Respecting Belonging, or what I am calling “Inevitable Belonging.” (If you missed it, you can still see last week’s video on the Order of Love with Respect to Honoring & Including ‘What Is.’)
And, it will be yummy and useful for anyone who ever struggles with how to include the most difficult parts of their ancestral history.
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