If you’ve been around constellation work enough, you’ve heard the phrase “taking your mother and your father.” But what does this mean?
The accidents of fate that surround our birth are innumerable. The fact is: we are here, despite and because of all the joy, suffering, limitations, and gifts of those who preceded us, including our parents. This is also true for our parents – they received life from those who went before despite and because of their varied and often difficult lives.
Sometimes this lands very hard on the children. As Bert Hellinger says “Children are absolutely powerless to change anything about this first giving and taking.” But if they survive it, they become adults who want to live as fully as possible, despite the conditions of their coming-into-the-world. How do we do that, if our earliest conditions were so harmful?
Obviously, this question has more than one answer. There are many things we probably need to heal and become whole. But one healing movement is to find our way to a full, robust “yes” to the conditions of our birth and the life we are being invited to take from our parents. This is not the same as approval or liking, but it is a way to be fully on our own side about the fact of being here at all.
As Bert Hellinger puts it, “This means taking [our] actual mother and father and seeing them through the eyes of an adult standing in the Order of Love, not through a distressed child’s eyes.” The child can’t (and probably shouldn’t, to stay safe), but we as adults can – with care, support, and the permission to take our time.
I spoke on this topic at the 2015 North American Systemic Constellations Conference in San Diego. I concluded that when we can do this more and more, we can become more fully ourselves, and take our powerful place in the world, having received (taken) our lives completely.
I also mention the profound dangers when we don’t do this, and the persistent temptation to look for those resources elsewhere – projecting the ideal parents on various people and institutions, partners and work, that cannot possibly live up to the job.
Enjoy this video, and I invite you to take some time considering what might support you in this healing movement:
What helps you take your life from your parents more fully? I love to hear your stories and thoughts! Please share on my blog below, so the conversation can continue…
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