“I’m not living up to my potential.” These seven words start many of my client sessions. I commiserate – it’s an idea that has more or less dominated my life, too. It’s a haunting one, isn’t it? Each year goes by, and we’ve “wasted” more potential. Painful.
And yet, it’s a statement I inherently distrust. For one, because the words come out a tad canned. But more importantly, what are we actually talking about here? What is the longing? How are we stuck? What might be possible that we’re trying to claim hasn’t been possible? And what if “potential” is a bit of a lie that is no help to our movement forward?
After all, all those people living up to their potential – are they actually going around thinking “It’s wonderful! I’m living up to my potential!”? Most likely, “potential” isn’t on their minds at all. So, what’s up with this wasted potential, and could there be a different set of questions that might be more helpful?
I was thinking about all this as I was backpacking in the Sierra over the last five days. One of the strange things I struggle over is choosing a campsite. When you backpack, you do what’s called “dispersed camping,” which basically means you can camp where you want. Naturally, you and everyone else camps near water, since you will need that every day. So, lakes make sense. Most lakes tend to have a lot of good spots, but of course, some are better than others.
After hours of hiking with a 30 pound backpack, you’d think my first thought would be to get it off and get settled. No! Usually I need to spend another hour going back and forth across the shoreline in search of the “perfect” campsite, with enormous anxiety about choosing wrong: what if it’s too windy, too noisy, near other people, too far away from the water, a place the rangers won’t approve, without enough rocks to put stuff on, not level enough, not…Sigh.
It hardly matters if you point out a critical fact: in the backcountry, there are hardly any “bad” campsites. Honestly, I am in the middle of the God’s Greatest Glory – it would be hard to choose a bad campsite if I tried.
Needless to say, the morning after choosing, I woke up to…glory. Absolute glory. I felt like the luckiest person in the world. (The pictures in this article are from my campsite.) I chuckled at myself and all my striving to get it right, and the fear of getting it wrong. There it is again! That wrestling with potential and trying to not waste it.
As I reflected on this, I realized that, instead of trying to fulfill my potential, I should be living life more like I choose backpacking in the first place – automatically, without consideration, I am doing this, so there. Choosing where and when to go, sure, it takes planning and thought. But backpacking itself? It’s just who I am and what I do, and I do it.
Constellations work reveals that most of us (all of us?) are wrestling with our place in things, because love became distorted in our families, and the place we entered life with was somehow out of joint. And after that, we struggle to find our “potential,” rather than resting into (or diving into, or wrapping ourselves with, or doing a dance with – choose your metaphor) our proper places in life.
Clients, over and over, find that once they’ve had a constellation, it’s not that they can now fulfill their potential; rather, they stop wrestling with that question and start taking on more interesting challenges.
Starting in late September, I will again be leading a six-month course on how to facilitate constellations. As part of that work, students will basically receive an advanced course in finding their good place, healing the distortions that make for the yearning about potential so persistent and distracting. And then, learn how to do that for others.
What’s your relationship to your potential? How have you noticed these dynamics showing up in your life? You are invited to continue the conversation on my blog here.
I love your blog, your insights and the tender, humble examples within your own life.
For me, it is just the opposite. I feel so unbelievably graced to have had the experiences given. Stunned by the help (like yourself) that is available, by healing that is possible. So amazed to have ridden on an airplane for the first time over fifty years ago, and dozens of times since, of course. In awe of the gift of work (that I didn’t particularly feel competent to do) that brought me to full retirement. I get to do whatever I want (within financial limits)! I never, ever thought life could be so wondrous, so alive, so free! Tears falling in gratitude. Obviously, this life came from humble beginnings, low expectations, no potential noted. And, YES It has been about “how is this supposed to be done?”, “I don’t know how to do this”. And I am unspeakably grateful for you, and others who show us how. Bowing….
Ah, yes, there’s that grateful side, too. Thanks for reminding us! 😉 And good to hear from you….