It has long been noted that humans are meaning-making creatures. We can’t look at stars in the sky without seeing a pattern of constellations; clouds without seeing cartoon characters; and a human situation without a story that fits what we think we’re seeing.
This is a very good thing. Life delivers a whole lot of chaos, and when we can make meaning out of it, and see patterns, it makes us more resilient and capable. Indeed, Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl based a whole school of psychology on the power of meaning-making, and how it can make the difference between surviving or not surviving the worst types of suffering and chaos.
But patterns can also get us in a whole lot of trouble. We all carry a vast store of meanings – conscious and unconscious – which limit us in ways that confound our best efforts. For instance, there are the kinds of we call “unconscious limiting beliefs,” like “I am unworthy” or “life is hard” or “the world isn’t safe.”
But there are a whole host of other meanings that my clients carry around that impact their life experience. With one client recently, we were trying to envision a future where he can feel empowered and free to act, and he kept adding on “without being obligated to anyone else.” This meaning made a lot of sense from his history, and even provided some strength when he named what he wanted, but the downside is that it keeps him in a tug of war with obligation, and limits the expression of that empowered freedom he was really yearning for.
Another set of clients, parents, kept describing their young daughter as the peacemaker in the family. Ah, we do this all the time! But, I asked them, if she is the peacemaker, what does she need to fulfill this identity going forward? Well, she needs conflict to be a peacemaker! Which could compel her into a future of relationships and work where there is sufficient conflict for her to express her peacemaker identity.
Another young client, struggling with regret over a past action, could not get over the impression that she had made the “wrong” decision, which could never be undone and would haunt her. But what if her younger self was engaging her decision-making as best as she could, joining the cohort of adults who make weighty decisions, and that she would take what she learned forward into a life that will be filled with weighty decisions, as is right?
Mostly, as you might notice from these examples, I see meanings that just don’t give ourselves or others a break. I am on the lookout for meanings that empower through mercy – through recognizing the challenges of life and how hard we are all trying. Even positive meanings that include responsibility (like Frankl’s) do so from a place of existential awareness of our humanity, which really means, giving us all a bit of a break.
There is a lot of finger-shaking out there these days, subtle and not-so-subtle. It’s totally understandable, as we are all properly confronted by our places in systemic oppressions. And, scolding doesn’t tend to be very motivational. Instead, an invitation into our proper weight, dignity and responsibility, in the context of a world that is much larger than us, can ultimately feel liberating, hopeful, and empowering.
What meanings have you found in your life that you have left behind? What new meanings replaced them? How is our remarkable gift for recognizing patterns been an opportunity for you? Please share your stories and questions on my blog, below. It’s always a delight to continue the conversation.
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