August is always an important and tender month for me. Both of my parents, four years apart, managed to die somewhat unexpectedly in August, just a few days difference. That was quite a few years ago when I was still a young adult. They were shocking and baffling events at the time, and it’s taken years to mourn, and begin to understand what happened, how it affected me, and what my parents’ lives and deaths truly mean.
In particular, my mother died when she was 55 years old. I am 55 years old this year. Whew! That was quite a journey. And, I know it’s a cliche, but facing the reality that I am going to outlive my mother is turning out to be rather momentous. As I realize that I will have life that my mother could not have, something important is changing in my identity, both releasing what’s not mine, and taking in what previously felt inaccessible. To be honest, it’s kind of amazing.
At the heart of all family constellations work, in some way, is the realization that we have life that our ancestors could not have. This may sounds like good news, but the truth is, it’s not an easy thing. Especially if our ancestors, like my mother, suffered. It leaves us with a strange kind of survivors guilt. How can we have more than our ancestors did? More time on the planet, more freedom, more choices, more peace, more kindness? How can we bear having more?
But this is the first healing movement. Simply seeing what was true for them, and seeing the possibility, hopefully, that we can have more (or at least something different) than what they had. Then, bowing to them, acknowledging that they simply did not have more. Whether it was oppression, or bad luck, or even their own fault. For ancestors who were themselves oppressors, we see that they did not have more just lives than they did. We simply see it. Recognize their fate as theirs, and not necessarily ours.
I am going to live to be older than my mother. This is turning out to be an incredible experience. I am basically healthy. Indeed, twice a year I go solo backpacking in the Sierra — something that is new in my life, which I never thought I could do, which my mother could not do, and which would astonish and please her no end. It’s not a big thing, but it is one modest aspect of my life, and it’s mine. I get to honor her and her challenges by having more than she did.
In some ways I am lucky in this regard: I have a definitive date to mark my “more than her.” When our more is something like “more happiness” or “more confidence” or “more love in our lives,” it’s hard to mark — how and when did we allow ourselves to have this more, in honor of those who indeed had less? In what ways will we say “yes” to this more, and channel it in service to more life — peace, justice, kindness — for the entire world?
So, August is a weird month for me. It contains the anniversaries of both of my parent’s early deaths. But this weirdness is useful. By being out of the ordinary, it forces me to reflect, notice and engage this journey I am on, one in which August comes around again every year. And, I hope it does, for many more years to come. Thanks Mom…
How does it feel to you to notice or imagine having more than your ancestors? What has it been like to resist or to say yes to that? Please share your stories, thoughts and questions on my blog below, so that we can all benefit from our shared growth….
I have more than my ancestors. If I didn’t something would be wrong with me. I would have to assess my life and decision making skills to catch where I am lacking. You would consider me black or African American and in most situations I would go along with it. But in reality I am not, I just don’t like to talk much or fight. I am from this beautiful country and my ancestors are indigenous, for the most part, to this land. Some of them slaves. Some of them were called negro and others were called Indians, coloreds, and mulattos. Many of my ancestors lived with restrictions. I went to school, had decent housing, learned to read and write, played with a diverse group of friends, travelled, owned and drove cars as a teenager. When I graduated high school I went to college. I became a professional. Then married someone from another culture than my own, then I birthed a child. I deal with the childhood trauma in a psychologist’s office. I hike the mountains and forest and sometimes alone like you. I don’t feel guilty for any of it. I feel grateful that I have made the best of it for my family and me.
Dear Kim, this is lovely: “I don’t feel guilty for any of it. I feel grateful that I have made the best of it for my family and me.” Yes…
Hi Leslie, Helga here.
Yes I can relate to having more than our ancestral parents, both of them who had middle school education only, but sent both my bro and I to high school and college. Although some of the info I brought home from school created conflict at home, I feel overall that all of this education made me more tolerant, at the same time as it made me more critical, simply by allowing me to bring different perspectives in. I feel grateful for this opportunity my ancestors did not have, however provided for me.
In other ways I see that we have lesser opportunities to show our prowess or survival skills than our ancestors after World War II. They brought so much more ingenuity to their own survival, built whole new companies from scratch, earned ten times their own parent’s wage, wanted and created the luxuries of the Fifties, built their own house from savings only. Frankly, I have so much less accumulated wealth than my parents, and am happier for it, learned early from them that the more they owned the more they had to worry about, and the more they found themselves tied to material values. Maybe I feel some distant guilt that I do not care about things they wanted me to have, or even become (like a doctor or economist), simply because it would have created too much burden.
Like you, Leslie, I relish my freedom, at least perceived as so much greater than my ancestors, a freedom of choice to even leave them all behind on another continent, and in particular my choices as a woman here and now.
And then I look forward in my own role of ancestor to my daughter and son. They have outpaced me early on in their computer skills (as four year olds..!!!), playing instruments way beyond my own levels of (under)achievement, living healthier or exercising with more discipline and endurance than I could ever muster. Yet I fully want that for them, embrace their growth exponential to mine.
Dear Helga – I love how you look through your family history, and notice both the “more than” and the “less than.” It’s always complicated! 😉
Thank you for this beautiful reflection, Leslie. I have spent much of my life in the survivor’s guilt of watching my parents and siblings unravel, seeing their suffering and wondering why I, who experienced the same traumas as they, am doing so well and they’re not. Where is the justice in that? How can I really enjoy the abundant blessings in my life when others are falling apart?
An incredible gift of the constellation you facilitated for me recently was the relief it was to acknowledge that I had it easier than my mother, that she had it harder than me…and to leave her in the arms of spiritual resources more powerful than me, to release myself from the binds to her suffering while still keeping my care for her soul.
I am reminded of BH’s view that the appropriate stance in the face of Life’s injustice (where some but not all receive unearned blessings and others face unfair hardships) is humility, that we submit and surrender to our own and others’ fates. Meaning, those who are blessed live those blessings fully so that Life’s goodness isn’t wasted, and those who are challenged rise to them fully so that Life’s resilience develops—without concepts of guilt or innocence, justice or injustice. What a freedom and joy to bring all that graces me out into full expression free of guilt….and to see the dignity of those who suffer without pity or shame.
Thanks for this Grace. I’m delighted how this viewpoint has personally impacted you and your relationship with your family. It’s tricky territory, isn’t it? Because there is a version of this that leaves us uncaring and passive in the face of others’ suffering, which is NOT the goal here. The real goal is that it empowers us to dive fully into our lives and take completely the power and privilege we do have to address what is before us, and is proper to our action. Thank you for sharing your personal version of this difficult wisdom….