We are all embedded in family systems. Some of the family in that system is alive, and others are dead. In constellations, we work for healthier and more ordered relationships with both.
In theory, there’s not much difference. The living and dead are all people, we are in relationship with them, and the quality of that relationship impacts us and others.
However, in practical ways, our relationships with the living and the dead are different. With the dead, we are focusing on people who no longer, well, “people” our lives in a day to day, practical way. With the living, we’re deciding whether to go to a holiday celebration, working through conflict, managing different worldviews, and so much more. Most of the time, it’s far more conscious, and understandably more difficult.
Nonetheless, the systemic perspective remains really useful. Even something as simple and mundane as experiencing a friend hurt our feelings in a small way, and then remembering she just got laid off at work, helps us bring a different capacity to the relationship. That is a simple example of systemic thinking: we moved out of the simple personal perspective — “she hurt my feelings” — and into a systemic perspective — “she’s having a hard time right now.” We all have experiences when it made all the difference.
Constellations expands that frame even more, so that we can see systemic influences on our relationships that isn’t so obvious, isn’t even available to conscious awareness. A constellation can reveal that conflict between partners is connected to historic wars that deeply affected their ancestors. Conflict between siblings is often entangled with ancestral victim-perpetrator events that were never resolved. Friends or co-workers may be intensely impacted by generations of systemic oppression. Or, we may just see that everyone is deeply grieving and tired as a result of the COVID pandemic.
These dynamics show up with great power and simplicity in constellations, and give us real relief and creative energy: “Oh, it’s not that _______ is being a jerk. This other mostly-unconscious traumatic reality is impacting us all. We’re all doing our best.” I’ve seen families profoundly healed by these movements, so that deeper flows of love can be released, and hope can be renewed.
When have you experienced a stuck relationship in your family or with a friend transformed by a new awareness of something larger affecting you all? Please share your experiences on my blog below.
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