Making Intimacy Safe…Again

Where did you learn how to love?

We all learn it in the same place: from our parents. It’s from them that we first learn about how to attach, what it’s like, and how to manage challenges that can arise. If all goes well, we learn that

• attachment is a good, enjoyable and pleasurable thing,
• we have a reasonable ability to choose reliable and safe people to attach to,
• we can navigate relationship twists and turns,
• we can manage ourselves during separations, and
• we eventually can make deep, reciprocal commitments.

But for many of us some part of this learning does not go well, and we grow into adulthood having difficulty with one or more of these skills. We are still unconsciously attempting to complete attachment to our parents, and trying to manage the ways that may have been partial or painful.

Unfortunately, this is not possible now. Even if our parents are still alive, we are no longer children, and the developmental moment is past. So we work out our patterns with our current day romantic partners. But it does not work—we are still trying to complete attachment to our parents, and no partner can fulfill that role.

Yet we desire true intimate peer relationships that are not expressions of our childhood yearnings and wounds. Satisfying intimate relationships should be like falling off a log—we are wired for relationship, partnership and love. Sure, there are those “relationships for learning” (and even those are satisfying in their way) but we are genetically designed to find mates and enjoy relationships.

Unconsciously, though, we are stuck at the moment of incomplete attachment. We develop unconscious belief structures which keep us there, even though we are now adults and have great inner resources for fulfilling relationships. What kinds of beliefs? Here are some common ones:

• I am unlovable.
• Intimacy is dangerous.
• I know it’s love if it hurts.
• As soon as it looks safe and good…watch out!
• Having strong feelings isn’t safe for me.
• I only end up hurting the ones I love.

Wow. Some powerful beliefs that our unconscious mind asserts in order to make sense of some very confusing and often painful childhood experiences. How do we move forward while still respecting the truth of that experience? Because that’s what we truly want, right?

We need at least two conditions before this can change:

1. notice the deeper streams of our ancestral inheritance that wanted us here, and which sends us animating love every day, creating an environment where we can
2. begin to gently and respectfully shift the beliefs in more life-giving and respectful directions, more in line with the vision our ancestors have for us, like

• I am lovable.
• Intimacy is life-giving and necessary and pleasurable.
• I know it’s love if it feels good (at least most of the time!).
• I can trust my judgment when I decide that things are safe and good.
• Having strong feelings is wonderful.
• I and my loved ones appropriately give and take, as is necessary for life.

Find out how you can have these experiences by contacting me for a free half hour “Happiness Inventory” consultation. I look forward to hearing from you!