So many of us long for a sense of belonging. It’s one of the top concerns that my clients bring to our work. They don’t feel like they belong well to their families or anyplace else, and they long for the deep sense of connectedness and grounding that true belonging gives.
So, it might be surprising to hear that it is possible to belong in ways that profoundly limit us. I am not talking about family belonging; those of us who’ve been around Family Constellations work long enough know that we inevitably belong to our families, and that this is a good thing, even if we sometimes have to find ways to belong that can keep us safe from particularly dysfunctional behaviors.
No, I am not talking about family belonging. I am talking about the kinds of belonging that evolve rather invisibly as a result of our evolving life experiences, and which can come and go. Some of these are really positive, like the way in which our love of gardening connects us to all people who garden, or the way our foodie interests connect us to people who share that love of food. These deep passions secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) create a bond with others who share it, and can create a lovely sense of community, whether that’s ever acted on or not. We belong to other people – in a strange, informal, but real way – who share our passions.
But this less formal belonging can also be quite fraught, and can have negative impacts, too. For instance, for people who’ve experienced rape or other kinds of sexual abuse, there can be an intense bond with people who’ve also been through that. In a support-group kind of way, this is incredibly useful. I remember when I was 12 years old, and first went to an Alateen meeting, and realized that there were other young people who’s parents were alcoholics. It was such a relief, not to be alone!
So what could possibly be the downside? At some point in our healing, we might want to grow beyond the definition of being a “rape survivor” or a “child of alcoholics,” but what constellations teaches is that all kinds of belonging, including the unconscious ones (perhaps especially so) instill enormous loyalty and a kind of systemic pressure to remain in the group. It can therefore be incredibly difficult to allow our identity to grow beyond what we once understandably identified with. Almost all of this takes place unconsciously, so that we don’t tend to think “I can’t become more than this identity.” Instead, we just feel stuck, and we don’t know why. So much life stuckness is related to unconscious patterns of belonging…
What is the answer, then? Surely not to reject that old belonging, right? That wouldn’t work anyway. The old saying is true: “What we resist, persists.” Instead, imagine facing a large group of people who belong to that old identity, and bow to them, thank them for their companionship on the way of your healing, wish them well, and ask their blessing as you continue to grow into whatever is next for your full sense of self to blossom.
As you acknowledge them with respect, a sense of fullness should come to you. And as you ask for their blessing as you move forward, you should hear a fairly automatic “of course” from them all. And then turn, face your future, knowing that they are a permanent supportive part of your past.
There may be sadness in this, but so much growth marked by this kind of sadness. It has a quiet dignity to it, and recognizes that life is a continuous coming and falling away – change, always change.
What kinds of belongings may you be experiencing that represent the past more than the future? Or, what belongings of your past do you honor as you have been growing and healing over the years? Please share your stories, thoughts and questions on my blog below, so that we can all benefit from our shared growth….
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