Do you ever feel like you just…well…can’t?
In your family of origin, with spouses or children, in work, health, recreation, or finances, in one or more of these areas do you sometimes just feel like…you can’t?
I can’t…get a partner.
I can’t…make enough money.
I can’t…fulfill my work-related dreams.
I can’t…be happy.
I can’t.
I have a lot of clients who struggle with this – for some only occasionally, and for others it seems basically permanent.
Over the last few years, I’ve begun to observe something about this “I can’t” phenomenon, and it has to do with our mothers and fathers. To explain, I need to back up a minute.
We know that our ancestors, going back thousands of years, have struggled to survive and thrive in the context of the patriarchy. One simple definition of the patriarchy is that it’s an unconscious but far-reaching system that is based on the domination of the powerful over the weak, and especially, men over women.
Even in times and places where there was more respect for equality, the patriarchy continued to be a constant undertone. In most other places, it was an explicit, ongoing requirement of life.
Our ancestors, somehow, learned to live with this. They adapted, they capitulated, they resisted, they survived; some were overcome. Whatever their experience, this was their context. They learned how to be men and women (and nonbinary – not that that is acknowledged in the patriarchy) in that world.
This is about hundreds of years of mother and father lineages – your lineages – that have had to cope with the distorting affects of the patriarchy. This is the world we are all still living in, even as it seems, bit by bit, so slowly – too slowly – to be changing.
What does it mean to be a daughter of mothers who could not have it better than they did? Our mothers, who could not fulfill their potential and who saw their dreams die? If you are a woman, do you ever feel like fulfilling your dreams is impossible? And, if you dig a bit deeper, do you notice maybe a bit of guilt at the idea of being able to do that even though they couldn’t?
This is a strong unconscious feeling that many of us share: that if we have what we want, we are betraying our ancestors who could not have what they wanted. It’s a kind of weird, inter-generational survival guilt.
And, what does it mean to be a son of fathers who historically were not safe for the women and children? The men who could not fulfill their deep honorable destiny to care for the tribe, but instead had to be the one who dominated? If you are a man, do you sometimes feel unable to step into your full power and be who you are meant to be? Does it feel like maybe you’d have to become something you don’t want to be?
This is a strong unconscious feeling that many of us share: that if we have what we want, we will become something we don’t want to be. Guilt by association.
Almost every week, I meet clients who are unable to allow themselves to be themselves, because their ancestors could not be themselves because of the patriarchy. (Needless to say, this is all going on unconsciously until we reveal the deeper layers of their “I can’t.”)
The answer that is often suggested these days is to separate ourselves from our lineages which are so affected by this distortion: Just be yourself! Break free.
I cannot suggest this. Why? Because, it is due to our ancestors’ struggle – if imperfect, if deeply flawed – that we are all here.
We are deeply, deeply fortunate to live in a time when this profound systemic patriarchal pattern may finally be changing, so that we can be the man, woman, or nonbinary person we are meant to be.
Our ancestors did not have this advantage. True, perhaps they should have “known better,” but the simple fact is that they could not escape their system’s distortions.
So, I do not recommend “breaking free.” There is no way to truly separate anyway. Instead, honor their struggle, ask for their strength, and receive their blessing to choose a different way, now that we have both the burden and the honor of living in a time when we are starting to have that option.
This struggle with “I can’t” is all around us. In our relationships, our health, and in our work, we see people unable to step fully forward into life. I especially see it in people trying to start their businesses.
That’s why in my programs I always include a module on the mothers and the fathers, and how to be in a better relationship with that history so we can be free to thrive in our businesses. You can check out the latest version of my offerings to alternative practitioners and coaches here.
For now, I offer this prayer: “Dear mothers, dear fathers, I honor your lives and your struggles. I am sorry you could not be the men and women you were meant to be. I honor your endurance, and ask for your blessing so that I may take full advantage of the times I live in, for my sake, and for the sake of so many still longing for true equality. Thank you.”
How do you feel about receiving the strength of your mother and father lineages? What special gifts as well as wounds have you received from them? Please share your experience, comments and questions on my blog below.
Beautiful prayer Leslie. Thank you.