Today, I want to explore two important internal movements that can collide in us, and which can make moving forward in life difficult:
1) The first is the impulse that comes from old trauma for us to repeat old feelings that were understandable at the time of the traumatizing event, but which usually does not match what is happening now. One of those big feelings is shame. But there are others: terror, panic, depression, rage. They can intrude and take us over, making a balanced response to life now very difficult. But trauma that hasn’t had a chance to be honored and resolved compells us to repeat these old feelings, with the intention of completing what happened. But it never works – it just keeps us stuck in the old trauma pattern.
2) The other impulse is to authentically and honestly feel important feelings — any feelings — in a thorough way, especially uncomfortable ones, that may have been repressed or not given a place over the years. It can feel like it’s time to feel the old grief, anger, hurt or guilt that hasn’t had an adequate chance to be seen and given a place. When they finally reveal themselves — perhaps at the funeral of an acquaintance, during a powerful movie, through an unexpected event, or when waking up from a provocative dream — it can feel really important to find a way to fully express what’s coming up.
Both of these are important movements. But when they collide, things can get very hard. If we are having feelings that seem really, really important to express, but it turns out they are actually continuing resonances of old trauma that might prevent us from being well and are keeping us stuck in the past, then we may indulge in emotions that seem healthful and necessary, but actually are not.
For my clients trying to find their way through this, I remind them that their feelings are not a competition. No one is tracking how much or little they are putting out there. Especially if we need to show up at a job or be a safe and reliable parent, it makes sense to be able to slow down our feelings enough to be able to keep be our most resourced selves.
This is called self-regulation. Self-regulation is NOT repression, although I think that sometimes, for people with serious trauma history, it can be tricky to figure out what is repression and self-denial, and what is useful and healthful self-regulation. Trauma undermines our natural self-regulation capacities, and confuses us about what are helpful emotional expressions.
But healing from trauma returns this capacity to us. It actually feels very, very good to have a strong feeling and know it won’t “take us away,” that we can trust our feelings not to take us somewhere that we’ll regret, or cost us or others too much. That is a true return of our emotional inheritance to us: part of our human birthright for strong and congruent feelings.
So, if you have trauma history (and most of us do) it’s okay to slow down and to be observant of your feelings. You won’t be shutting yourself down — the feelings are still there, and with respect and patience, it’s okay to invite our natural feelings to arise in ways that support us and those we love.
In this recent podcast, Ezra Klein interviews psychiatrist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk about this dilemma. Even if you’ve read his books before, or already know a lot about how trauma works, I recommend this beautiful interview. They discuss this topic in approachable language and in a warmly resonant way.
What has been your experience with finding balance with your emotions? What unexpected goodness have you found through the process? What’s been tricky about it? Please share your experiences on my blog below.
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