Our culture is clearly re-membering our ancestors. After hundreds of years of “pioneering,” we are noticing the spectacular deficit we experience as individuals and as a culture as a result of forgetting where we come from. Ancestry.com and geneological research are just some of the pieces of evidence that we are experiencing a deep renewal around re-connecting with our human life sources.
Along with that heartful pursuit has been some interesting ways of thinking about what we are up to. Every week, I speak to a new client who says “I’ve realized the task of my incarnation is to heal my ancestors” (or something similar). This may be a special version of the new interest in ancestors that is particularly California-y, but I think it also points to some underlying suffering that is motivating our search.
Before I explain that, however, let me state unequivocally: we are NOT responsible for the healing of our ancestors. And, even if we were, it’s not something we can really do much about. From the Family Constellations perspective, we living ones are the newest and youngest in our families. We received life from those who preceded us, and not the other way around. We pass that life onto our children (or to other living beings and systems if we don’t have children), but we can’t turn the stream of life around to heal our ancestors.
The good news is that our ancestors do not need us to heal them. The suffering we experience today because of the suffering that preceded our birth is now ours – their suffering is historically over. If we have the impression that they still suffer (and constellations often shows this), it’s not really because they are still in their graves writhing from their historical injuries. It’s because we still see and live their suffering, which has not found a way to systemically complete. And so the meaning endures – the ancestors continue to suffer.
However, the ancestors are actually well and at peace: at some point in a constellation, this is a meaning that inevitably comes through. Death is an end to suffering – indeed, we discover in its essence that death is kindly. But the meaning of this peace cannot be lived by us until we resolve the incompleteness of the suffering. This can take many complex forms in a constellation, but the over-arching movement is this:
- First, we see their suffering. (If their suffering was secret or somehow lost, the first thing we may have to do is just figure out what the heck their suffering was.)
- Second, we honor and acknowledge their suffering. This is often done with a bow, accompanied by the word “I honor the dignity of your fate. I honor your suffering/loss/guilt/etc.” This always makes the ancestors happy, because this is true honor – not repeating their experience, but honoring how it was for them.
- Then we say “Thank you for my life.” This gives us strength, acknowledging that despite their suffering, they endured enough to send life onto us, and we feel gratitude for this.
- Then we say something like “Please bless me as I choose another way.” This movement, together with the previous movements, makes it possible for us to belong to our ancestors while still having a different fate than theirs.
- Finally, we often then turn, lean our backs against their strength, and face forward, away from death and toward life, which is our proper way to face, for now.
Of course, this can give us the overall impression that we are doing something good for the ancestors, yes, but it’s mostly about us – the living, the ones who’ve received life and have the honor and challenge of doing what we can with life. We are not here to heal them. We are here to complete the task of taking fully the life they’ve given us, while honoring all that it took for them to be able to do that.
The movement described above is very simple. Having said that, given the reality of families and their complicated historical experiences, the unwinding of this in a particular family can take some twists and turns! What needs including and honoring can sometimes be quite subtle – experience of many families over time can help facilitators engage the mystery of a specific family to find what is waiting to be seen and honored.
The students in my Constellation Facilitator Training starting in October learn how to do this sleuthing for themselves and for others. They learn how to do this, step by step, through the many complexities of inquiring into clients’ stories, helping them when it’s scary, being patient when things are unclear, and learning how to trust the family soul to lead them to resolutions.
For six months, we engage the full power of connecting with our ancestors, finding healing and remarkable new life for ourselves and others. If this sounds intriguing, now is a good time to take a look at the details, and reach out to me with questions about the training. It’s an investment of time, finances and energy, and right now I am in conversations with a wide variety of potential students to see if it’s the right fit. I’d be honored to talk to you, too.
As for healing our ancestors, what is it like for you to let go of that responsibility and instead lean on them? Please share your stories, thoughts and questions on my blog below, so that we can all benefit from our shared growth….
Morena from Aotearoa, Leslie!
I want to pass on my appreciation for another of your exquisitely written emails. Beautifully put, thank you. An especially delightful read for me as I had been lovingly pondering, even missing, my Grandmother this morning.
Hope all else is well with you, e hoa.
Ngā mihi aroha
Fi xx
Hi Fiona! I love that this generic reflection sent you on to specific remembrance, of your grandmother. May we all remember our specific ancestors with awe and love…
Absolutely YES. Thank you so much for bravely stating what I have been quietly feeling amidst this popular and fashionable push to “heal our ancestors”. We have enough work to do with how the ‘apple has fallen’!!! And of course, this arduous task of healing our own traumas and programming (passed down and down and down the line), must radiate resolution out in all directions. We need support from our ancestors, not the other way around.
Namaste