I live in Oakland, and I admit, happily so. The night of the decision by the grand jury on whether to indict Darren Wilson, the police officer who killed Michael Brown, I was working with a client at my office. Like many of my clients, she had parents who did not keep her safe when she was a child. Working with what she most wanted about all of that, it became clear that the wisdom of family constellation work was what we needed.
Quickly, we made contact with the deep pattern of violence in the family that her parents were trying to honor, in a form of deeply distorted love for their ancestors. More and more, we came in contact with both the ancestral violence and the love that was trying to be expressed through all of it.
As we worked, we heard helicopters overhead. We knew what they were about. If you live in Oakland long enough, you know. The decision had come through a few hours before our session, and when it comes to issues of justice and protest, Oakland never shrinks back, for better or for worse.
We couldn’t know exactly what was going on–later we would hear about the blocked highways, peaceful protesting, and the damaged storefronts–but we knew it was important. And that what we were doing with her family system was important.
We live in a violent and fragmented society. Love comes through purely, and love comes through massively distorted. One important and beautiful insight of family constellations is that when someone perpetrates against your family, or your family perpetrates against others, these two sides become connected–they now belong to the same system, and healing must include both.
Blacks and whites in America are in a system together. It doesn’t matter if your people came recently, or had nothing to do with slavery, we are bound together, deeply. Our healing comes together, or not at all.
My client was able to automatically relax when we started to include the historical violators that were clearly part of her family system. (Needless to say, this isn’t something she could or should have done as a child, or in the context of continuing danger; this is something we do as adults with the dignity of our adult capacities.)
These ones are included not necessarily with approval–none of this has anything to do with liking or approving. But together we consented, acknowledged, and included what is deeply true about her family. When that happens, something paradoxically relaxes–everything we thought we were protecting ourselves against turns out to have a proper home with us.
Many are scared. Appropriately so. The truth of the relations between black and white America has been stunningly violent. It’s pretty frightening. And, what will happen when we welcome each other, as we are? What will happen when we find out how to do the hard work of seeing, naming our role, and waiting?
I have no answers, but the grace amidst the violence is obvious. Keep doing the work. Listen to the helicopters, and keep doing the work. And imagine what it will be like when the paradoxical relaxation–not completely comfortable, but welcome nonetheless–that comes from including the truth finally happens for us all.
Hi Leslie, I have spent the last hour on your blog. Its soooooooo nourishing for me. I love family constellations work. Ive been working on a piece for a few years, (not in FC), mainly because I couldnt face it, but I found out that my nearly direct ancestors were Slave Owners in the US, which for little old me here in NZ was bizarre. But I could so relate to that pattern on my fathers side for sure. I spent most of my life feeling like I was a slave, feeling like Cinderella. I couldnt own the power of the Slave Owner. It was very much about ill-gotten gains and always having this glass ceiling financially for me.
Anyway, Im now working through a piece about family violence, and I only came upon it yesterday, and I wondered what you meant by the distorted loyalty to our ancestors violence, what are some of the ways in which we can be loyal to violence?
I have a VERY strong belief that the world is a dangerous place, I dont want to be out there. Im a hider and an avoider and very anxious in the world. I realised that my first introduction to a bigger family were my cousins who were scary boys. And violent grandparents. Angry father. I must be doing this dance with violence somehow.
Love Kate xx
What beautiful and brave work, Kate, and great questions, too! I don’t have all the answers, but here is a presupposition of family constellation work: everyone who is a member of the family has a full right to belong–even the “perpetrators.” That doesn’t mean they belong without judgment or responsibility, but the family system instinctively includes all elements, even in the face of apparent day to day rejection, ostracism, and cutting off. When the family isn’t able to do this honestly, in the open, and with complete resolution about what may have happened, then the system tries to include them in other ways, usually not consciously and usually not very helpfully. A good example: the son who ends up becoming like the father he never knew, whom his mother disrespected because he was “no good,” because the son will instinctively want to include and love his father.
When there is unresolved violence in the family, elements of the system will seek to re-include those parts of the family, unconsciously, and, as I said, usually unhelpfully. This can take many, many forms, but one is a lot of unexplained violence, and another form is an overreaction to the “dangers” of the world (the other side of the coin, so to speak). It’s possible you are resonating with these unresolved elements of your family. The answer is something I’ve written a lot about elsewhere: bow to those parts of your ancestry, accept the life you received, say “I honor the dignity of your fate,” and request their blessing as you choose a different way.
That is a very shorthand approach; it’s often a sticky process, and family constellations is a lovely modality for helping us through to true resolution of these issues, so we can fully accept our ancestral strength…
It’s so beautiful Leslie, I love FC so much. Thanks for taking the time to explain it to me. I want to read what you wrote quite a few times, its so rich.
I know instinctively that there are two members not included in the Soul of the family. My fathers father who was a violent alcoholic who was sent away by my Grandmother. (He died on the day JFK was shot, hows that for violence?) and the other side, my Aunt fled home at age 19 never to return in 50 years, as she didnt want to deal with my Grandmothers violence, when finding out that I was conceived (out of wedlock). I did have some contact with her in her last days, but I think this is very much about my Grandfather. He’s the shameful loose unit in the family, and I think my Grandmother died before dealing with it all. My father never spoke of his parents. This is the side where there’s violent men on down the line. The other side are the avoiders.
Yes, I have a massive overreaction to the *dangers* of the world. It’s twisted me up like a pretzel. Thanks for helping me to get a sense of this all. xxxx
Haha Leslie, I googled *honour the dignity of your fate* to see if it would help me, and found and article on a random site. Its your article lol
I was saying that sentence over and over and felt that the women of the family didnt want the men included,as if they were useless (my choice of men too) my grandfathers father died in a hotel fire, the reason for the fire was never established, I have an article in the paper about it, he was panning for gold. His wife married someone with the exact same name, was having an affair before he died, I did the exact same thing, two men with the same name lol Im hiding from the violence and its still following me, and its following one of my sons.
Such rich material, I dont feel scared of it now. xx
Lovely work. And for everyone reading, you can ask yourself the same questions Kate is: who’s been lost or excluded that you may, unconsciously, be trying to re-include in the Family Soul through having some aspect of their experience? Deep territory indeed. Be gentle with yourselves at all times…
Thanks Leslie, I hadnt made the conenction, but my Aunt who left never to return was named Lesley. 🙂 There are no coincidences. lol