In my late 20s, when I had my wonderful conversion experience (maybe I’ll write an article about that sometime!) I had to choose a church to join. Immediately, I found myself needing to balance ends of a ritual spectrum: the churches that had lots of sensual, spiritual abandon, but didn’t seem to me to be very thoughtful and reasoned about their beliefs, and other traditions that were very thoughtful in ways I trusted, but weren’t very sensual or experiential.
In the end, I chose the Episcopal Church, having found a church (St. Gregory of Nyssa, San Francisco) that seemed to have balanced these two perfectly. When I became a priest, though, I found that I had chosen a very thoughtful tradition that has wonderful rituals that are usually not very sensually carried out. We are very book-oriented, we don’t move a lot in the service, we all face forward, and most of the action happens “up front.”
I loved my church, though, so I committed myself to this world that turned out to be not as lively, sometimes, as I wanted. And, in extreme cases, what I found were communities that were almost obsessed with “being careful,” not breaking the rules, not upsetting anyone, maintaining order. There is great beauty at the heart of this instinct (go to any monastery in Europe that has maintained the old prayer traditions, and you’ll know what I mean) but for day-to-day life, it was almost suffocating.
I realized that I needed an occasional “big Jesus” moment, as I called it. Some form of worship that was entirely abandoned, carefree, not careful at all. Most of the places I found this kind of worship, I never could have made my permanent home because often that abandon came with beliefs and behaviors I found pretty worrisome, but I loved their full-hearted, sincere, uncareful way of worshiping.
Do you struggle, in your business or in your life, with having to find a balance between these two? Do you spend so much time trying to be careful, make sure you’re doing it right, that sometimes you feel you are suffocating?
It doesn’t work forever. At some point, it becomes a deep instinctive need to risk, try something new without worrying so much about whether it will work or not. To do it just to find out if it feels good.
In a world where we often have to be heart-breakingly careful so much of the time, it is deep relief when we don’t need to, we can trust, relax, let go, and allow what comes.
When I work with heart-based practitioners, I almost always find this dynamic. And often, they haven’t been able to find the balance in their work. They are caught in “being careful,” either with others in their lives, or with themselves.
My job is to create a good space to feel free to be imperfect, beautiful, and growing. And to know that this space is the best space for having a business or a happy life.
Where do you find the balance between “letting go” and “let’s be careful”?
What a beautiful piece, Leslie! I just went to a high school graduation party of a family I tend to keep some distance with. They belong to a religion that, from my personal view, is too controlling of their members – to the extent that the brilliant young man who graduated is discouraged from pursuing an education with a very good University that accepted his application. Their reasoning is that a college degree equals pursuing riches, which goes hand-in-hand with sin. Anyway, when I do socialize with them, I find that I am always having to be careful… walk on eggshells around them, pretty much, so that I wouldn’t do or say anything to upset them. This graduation party was the first time I realized I was not being respectful of their beliefs, but just “careful”… which denotes a certain level of “fear”, I thought. Fear to make them upset, fear that they will cast me away, fear of not seeing the little ones at all anymore, etc.
What an interesting dynamic. Now, how to “let go” in this type of situation?
I resonated very much with your words regarding the search for a spiritual “home”. The letting go and let’s be careful part is a bit more nuanced. The “letting go” and “lets be careful” both personally and professionally has a lot to do with who I am speaking to. If I am with a client I ask myself how I can best communicate with them. If I use language and terms that they either don’t understand or causes them to shut down I’ve accomplished nothing. If I am in a social situation and feel that either I would be insulting someone or trying to “teach a pig to sing” I usually just go with the flow. All of that being said, in my blog posts and when I speak both professionally and on social occasions I do express my authentic self as often as I can. Professionally I want clients I can work with, who are the ones I want to have and who will most benefit from what I offer. If people see more of who I am via my website and presentations then they can make the choice if I am the right practitioner for them.
Thank you for sharing so much from your own experience, Ceci and Nancy! I’m not sure if you are looking for insight into your question, Ceci, but without knowing more, the only thing that is usually at work is finding a way to distinguish current realistic fears (they may get upset, they might not want to see the children, etc.) from old fears that tend to be much more intense (fear of abandonment, rejection, shaming). Then, we can make choices about dealing with the former, while seeking healing around the old patterning that is at the heart of the latter. Peace to you both!
Great topic Leslie! I’m really finding the struggle of being careful and free when it comes to the entire stance I regard life. Being resently sober I’m becoming aware of how much the drugs and alcohol use were a way to “be free”. Or free of the bondage of “self” as they often say. I now have a deeper hunger for spiritual freedom and I am finding some relief from the step work I’ve been doing. Those moments when I pop into strong “being presence” feel quite free. But I still struggle with not knowing what real healthy freedom looks like. Many people I’ve encountered that appear quite free tend to also strike me as quite self absorbed and unaware of how their actions effect others. I want to be free but also respectful of other peoples experience of that freedom. I also have not always treated myself well so I have fears that I may do something that would be detrimental to myself were I to behave too “freely”.
Ooh, I love this expansion of the conversation, Lena. Yes, when is “freedom” an escape, when are “boundaries” actually prisons? Everyone at some time or another has experienced good order as deeply freeing, and a bit of freedom as nicely ordering. Finding the correct balance, and getting more and more trusting of ourselves that we know that balance, at least well enough…