How to Restore What Has Been Broken... - Convivium Constellations

Relationships get broken. It happens lots of ways, but of course one way is the someone (or someones) violate someone (or someones) else, and the consequences seem unfixable, permanent, heart-breaking.

There has to be a way to restore things when we or others have broken them. The answer is rather simple (and can even seem simplistic) but the truth is, it’s the only way forward:

Naming and including the violation. Taking responsibility. This gives us back our dignity, and restores broken relationships, including ones that have been broken for generations.

A few weeks ago, I introduced my video series on the Orders of Love. Today I conclude with a discussion about Addressing Trespasses without Revenge. Here is the intro I wrote for that series a few weeks ago:

All systems have patterns they “prefer.” Without those patterns, systems become unhealthy for the participants, and unsustainable in the long run.

Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations, called these patterns “Orders of Love.” (If for any reason you don’t like “orders” – a very German word! – then “patterns” or “rhythms” work fine, too.) Hellinger observed families, in particular, and over time noticed that there were a few basic ways families, at an unconscious level, “liked” to be organized. When those didn’t get maintained somehow, there was dysfunction.

When we meet a family or other system that isn’t working well, we can use Hellinger’s categories (“orders”) to inquire into what is going on – how, specifically, is the distress being maintained? And, these orders can hold the key to healing.

Hellinger noticed a number of specific patterns. Some of them are:

Honoring & Including “What Is”
Respecting Belonging
Respecting Seniority, Role & Contribution
Respecting the Balance of Giving & Taking
Addressing Wrongs (without Revenge)

Today, I continue with the final order: Addressing Trespasses without Revenge. It leads us to ask, “How can broken relationships be restored?” (If you missed the first two, you can still see my videos on Honoring & Including ‘What Is’, Belonging, Seniority, part one, Seniority, part two and The Balance of Giving and Taking.)

If you enjoy these videos, please consider some upcoming offerings that will go much more deeply into this work: my regular Nature Constellations workshop which takes place Saturday, October 23rd, and a new course on Developing our Intuition.

And, it will be yummy and useful for all of us who want to enjoy all the ways we gather as humans in community.

Enjoy!

We all grow when we share our stories. And, I am really supported when people who connect with my writing share it so that others can see it. If you have a response, to please share it on my blog, below. Thank you!

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