To be honest, I have no idea what the “Self” is, truly. 😉 I simply know, through the evidence I see in constellation work, that each one of us is or has something we might as well call a “Self.” I regularly see the cost of having a fragmented or partial self, and the extraordinary stregnth that arises in both individuals and systems when selves integrate, find their center, and are, well, them selves.
This is not a simple matter, of course. We all live within multiple belongings – family, nation, gender, religion, and much more – and these influence our sense of self in a way that is necessary for our growth, even if from time to time throughout our development we need to take stock, re-evaluate and change course so as to reflect our changing belongings, appropriately. I like to call it terroir: what wine enthusiasts call that special quality in wine that comes from the environment in which the grapes grew and were processed. We all have a precious terroir that shapes us and is beyond us.
But constellations has shown me, in addition to that necessary complexity, there are also times we acquire a sense of self that is thoroughly improper to us, and that the only solution is to find a way out. However, we can be profoundly stymied because, well, it feels so much like us. I start to notice this in conversations with clients, as they describe their problems. They may use language like “it doesn’t feel like me,” or the issue has a hard-to-pinpoint foreignness to it. One recent example was the experience a client had while looking at their face in the mirror, and the reactions they had when looking there.
I might start to form a hypothesis: that quite literally, these people are having experiences that don’t belong to them. This is more than the usual constellations experience when the client is immersed in meanings and emotional webs that are bigger than them and has shaped them throughout their lives. In this instance, it’s gone further than that – one chunk of their regular experience belongs to a different person, and it is improper that they are having this experience.
I suspect this happens more often than we are remotely aware. Psychotherapists know that clients can have their parents’ experiences – depression, grief, fear, rage, etc. So, we have a way to talk about this. But what if it’s your grandparent, or an uncle or aunt, or someone you don’t even know, but who’s intense, unfinished experience seems to have become yours?
The good news is that you don’t need to know who it specifically is to get some relief, now. If you wonder if this is relevant for you, take a moment to connect with the experience you have that might be someone else’s. First, imagine that person in front of you, even if you have no idea who it might be. See if you can feel some respect for that person’s experience, acknowledging what they might have had to face that made this difficult experience so resonant.
Then, bow to them, deeply – not too fast! – and try these words: “I honor the dignity of your fate. I leave it with you, with respect. Thank you for my life. Please bless me as a take a different path.” Breathe a bit. If you get even a little new breath, you are on to something. I invite you to keep exploring this, with curiosity, affection and respect for the one who preceded you.
What is your experience with living others’ lives? You are welcome to share your stories and questions on my blog, below.
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