Humans are storytelling creatures. Before we had print or other ways to record ourselves, we sat together and told stories – ones from our own lives, passing on what happened, and “made up” ones that explained the world around us and entertained our listeners.
In our analytical age, we are re-discovering the power of stories. “The Moth” – a gathering of true-life storytellers – and Monologue Performance classes are huge. It’s often said we are in a new golden age of TV, where storytelling has been renewed with exciting results. Finding and telling stories has been added to sociological work, as a way to study human experience in addition to gathering data that is quantifiable.
And yet, as we all know, stories have a down-side, too. The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, our families, and our culture not only reveal, they also shape the kinds of experiences we are capable of having. For instance, if the main story of our ancestors is tragic, and focuses on their victimhood, then there’s a real question about how much freedom we have to experience something better different. But when the story becomes about their endurance, strength, courage and dignity (even as the historical facts remain the same) we find that our possibilities begin to expand as well. For some good social science on this, check out this fabulous New York Times article.
Stories also change over time, and that’s a good thing. There are stories that serve us well and have a useful purpose for a while, and then they lose their ability to enliven and we need to upgrade the story for this stage of our growth. This is particularly tricky, as a good story that’s served us well can be very hard to release!
I experience this a lot in my work. About ten years ago, one of my clients developed a very powerful and useful story that helped him understand his parents, his sense of abandonment, and what he needed to do to take care of himself. Recently, however, I’d noticed that this story – once so useful in taking him forward – was now holding him back. It wasn’t even describing where he was anymore – he’d grown past it and hadn’t even noticed! He was rather taken aback when I told him I wasn’t sure if that old story was true anymore for him, and if perhaps a new story about how much he belonged to the world was more true now. He was reluctant to let go of the previous story, understandably. And yet his own journey was inviting him to allow the new story about belonging to have growing authority for him.
Another client offered a beautiful story about how hard it is for her family to be strong, given how difficult their previous suffering had been. Not only did this story honor the suffering of those who had gone before, but it painted them as very innocent, kind people who would never harm anyone else to get ahead. I myself was seduced by this story – it was so beautiful and honest and kind! But as we performed a constellation, it gradually become clear, it wasn’t true. What was true? That they had endured incredible suffering, that they had succeeded in making a horrendous voyage in which everyone had survived, that they were making a new, peaceful life for themselves, and that they were warriors, not doormats. The more we revealed this new, emerging story, the more energized the family became. This new story needed to be told.
I have had my old and new stories, too. In my young adulthood, I needed to recover my awareness that I had been profoundly hurt by my parents as a child. I spent about ten years exploring that reality and naming that hurt. Having done that, I now can live into the next story, of having remarkable parents who were profoundly limited in some ways, and of having a family with a complex history that has given me life.
Even good stories can come to an end. I love that we can record stories now. But the downside is that stories, perhaps, have a harder time evolving than they did when we sat around fires, and stories changed from day to day, from teller to teller. Like that old, wonderful game of Telephone.
How have your stories changed over the years? I would love to hear some more examples of how your stories have evolved as you’ve grown or learned new things about your world and your family. Please share here on my blog, so the conversation can continue…
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