Surviving & Thriving with the Holidays

The world is happy and joyful and…you are not.

Or, at least partially not. Instead:

• • • • • • • You dread seeing your family, or
            • You just can’t feel that seasonal “joy,” or
            • You procrastinate on all your holiday “duties” and feel like a failure, or
            • You get stressed beyond your normal tolerances, or
            • You plain get lonely and depressed.

What the heck?

I could tell you all the usual tips for getting through it all more sanely and happily, but I suspect you know them already: take care of yourself, slow down, be willing to say “no,” and remember you aren’t required to go to any family gathering that you know won’t be good for you and/or your spouse and/or your kids.

But why is it so difficult for some of us? Some sources are obvious: if we had a trauma at this time of the year, or when this season reminds us of someone we have lost, or we are so deprived of relationships that no one invites us to a party or their holiday celebration, well, no wonder we feel so low.

But for some of us it seems harder, perhaps, than it needs to be. NLP says that no matter our external circumstances, we are always making unconscious choices about our experience. Something in us values the experience of distress this season, and it somehow meets an important need.
What need does your distress feed for you? Most everything comes down to a few basic needs critical to surviving childhood:

• Safety
• Being loved
• Belonging
• Having a stable, coherent identity

If that is the case, then some of our distress makes a great deal of sense, having been created during our childhood experiences of trying to establish these needs, often in chaotic and difficult environments. Distress unconsciously can provide some very important things:

• For some of us, perhaps, itmeets our need to feel invaluable, necessary and worthwhile.
• For others, it provides a need to feel unworthy so that others, ironically, can be okay in comparison.
• Or perhaps deep down you feel your authenticity (identity) is challenged by “going with the flow,” and if we think everyone else is happy, we’d better be distressed to prove we are “being real.”
• Perhapsbeing alone is a great solution to the pain of being rejected.
• Or maybe finding safety, strangely enough, hangs on assuming everything is unsafe, and expecting threats.

Do any of these begin to ring true? If so, I hope it begins to provide some respect for your holiday distress, which is your unconscious brain doing it’s best to take care of you.

At my upcoming workshop, “Surviving & Thriving with the Holidays” on December 11th, we’ll uncover the unconscious beliefs creating such distress, and do some change work so you can have the experience of the holidays you would prefer.  For more information and to register, go to Surviving & Thriving with the Holidays.