What is keeping your most painful patterns from changing or healing?
One possible answer from the insights of constellations is that there is a trauma in the larger ancestral system that hasn’t been seen or included in some healing way.
But I am beginning to think about another aspect of systems that might be keeping us stuck. What if it isn’t our ancestral system (or at least, not only that), but some larger social system that is part of the stuckness?
Let me back up a bit. Identity is a critical aspect of being human. Without a steady sense of our identity, we are fragmented, random, and that tends to make us feel crazy. So, having an identity (even a bad or painful one) is preferable to not having one.
The word “identity” comes from the Latin word “idem” which means “same.” So, identity = what we are the same as. I am a woman, I am a citizen of the United States, I am a constellation facilitator, I am a good friend – these are all ways of saying “I am the same as _______.”
As children, we see various role models, and we unconsciously notice and decide “I am like Dad because I have his anger” or “I am like my teacher Ms. Snow because I am kind like her.”
When it comes to our traumas and other life challenges, we can do the same thing, and identify with whole social groups. We can identify with battered women, cancer survivors, almost-made-it-but-not-quite athletes, and soccer moms. I am like them, we say. And, we are.
These kinds of identifications can be hugely freeing. Many desperate alcoholics, who have begun to wonder if they can identify with anything positive (I am a loser and all I do is destroy everything I love), find great hope the first time they can identify with the recovery community and their “stories of hope.” I remember the two arenas as an adult – as a swimmer and as a horseback rider – that caused me to first identify, tentatively, as an athlete, and the hope that gave me.
But other identifications can hold us back from the very growth that we want. Identifying with battered wives, for instance, could be immensely useful for a woman needing to realize she must get out of an abusive relationship if she and her children are going to survive. But eventually, that identity – “I am like you” – may hold back her further growth.
From a constellations point of view, what specifically is she identifying with? For a moment, imagine a larger group of “battered woman.” Not only does she feel like she’s part of them, but deep down, she loves them, she feels loyalty to them. Moving onto the next identity might feel utterly (and unconsciously) disloyal. How can she abandon them by growing to a new identity?
In constellations, I have been experimenting with this type of systemic loyalty. In this instance, we would bring in a group of people to represent this social group of battered woman. The client could stand in front of them, perhaps cry, say she loves them, and express how much she cares for them.
And then, she might say these ritual words: “Thank you for making a good place for me and for my healing. I honor the dignity of your fate. I carry you in my heart always. Please bless me as I choose a new way.” And then the battered woman say thank you, and give their blessing.
These have been powerful constellations. First, by bringing to consciousness our identification with a whole social group, then honoring them, and finally asking for a blessing to move on while holding love in your heart for them, always. The clients have inevitably felt renewed and strengthened in the proper direction of their lives beyond trauma.
And by the way, in case you were wondering: No, it’s not about “leaving the group behind.” Not really. We can maintain our heart connection, and our appreciation for belonging. But we can shift the kind of connection so that there is room for compassion plus movement, rather than a loyalty that doesn’t permit change.
With what social group might you be identified? If your issue is one of the below, with whom might you be lovingly (and unconsciosly) connected?
- Feeling stupid and like you can’t learn.
- Unable to take physical care of yourself, eat well, exercise.
- Being chronically underemployed or underpaid.
- Feeling like I am a bad person, and unredeemable.
- Etc.
Imagine that group of people – a real social group that suffers in real ways – with love and appreciation. And if you are ready, I invite you to honor their dignity, hold them in your heart, and ask for their blessing for a new way.
We experimented with this approach at our recent Nature Constellations Workshop. The social group were people who, due to circumstances outside their control, have been unable to flourish. It was powerful to see the client bow to their suffering, hold them in her heart, and feel their blessing to find the new way.
As for the Nature Constellations Jamboree – we’re going to do it again! It will take place on July 16th – find more details below.
Here you can see small groups conducting constellations in the beautiful nature of Tilden Park, noticing how a breeze, a leaf, fall, a bird, or a crowd of insects can be expressions of systemic brokenness and healing…
What is your experience of belonging to larger social groups, as sources of strength and perhaps also as limitations to your growth? Please share your experience, comments and questions on my blog here.
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