A rare convergence this week: all three of the world’s largest monotheistic traditions are participating in some of their most serious and tender holy days: Muslims are marking Ramadan, Jews have begun Passover, and Western Christians are walking through Holy Week on the way to Easter.
Because these religions time their celebrations via different lunar calendars rather than a shared solar one, they almost never happen at the same time. They are very different commemorations, steeped in the stories, cultures, life ways and rituals of their particular traditions.
And yet, it is lovely that they overlap. It’s an opportunity, not for cross-cultural mixing, but perhaps for cross-cultural curiosity, sharing and fruitful comparison.
From what little I know about these traditions, one thing they have in common in these holy days is the universal human wrestling with wrong-doing — how do we walk as whole humans in the world when we know we terribly hurt others, and that others terribly hurt us? What is the path of wholeness, reconciliation, forgiveness and a renewed, ethical life?
Again, various spiritualities differ on the answer to these grave existential questions. But I think they hold one thing in common, that is critical for any possibility of moving beyond shame and retribution:
Honesty. Telling the truth, without drama, pity or a fantasy-based desire for innocence or revenge. Honesty.
Constellations are a remarkable place for observing, and even experiencing, this wonderful, but simple, movement. For instance, we sometimes invite the presence of people in a family system that everyone knows have done great wrong. Often, their first statement to the group is something like: “This has nothing to do with me. Everyone else is to blame. I’m not connected to this.”
This can be very painful to witness, but we start to see the compensations that come with having the impression of having no way whatsoever to acknowledge great wrong in a way that is survivable; avoidance becomes an awful and self-reinforcing management strategy (often rewarded by cultural norms, especially in the case of systemic oppression).
However, through the process of the constellation, as we name and give a place to various aspects of the family system (these actions are specific to each family), and as things start to come into a more proper order, over and over we witness these people start to soften, and actually come more properly into their dignity. As that happens, their statements start to change: “I am involved. I did wrong. What I did cannot be undone. I take responsibility. Leave the shame with me.”
Anyone who has the good fortune of representing one of these people (and yes, it is indeed good fortune!) has the extraordinary experience of finding a way to confess while also feeling their inner strength and belonging, and that this, indeed, is the very best way forward. It is good for themselves and for everyone in the system, and it carries an unexpected kind of joy.
(By the way, this is another argument for representing in constellations — through representing other people in various situations, we can experience universal human movements that we might be missing, and so change can come in “through the side door” in a wonderfully gentle way.)
As for the victims of the others’ wrongdoing, they can respond in kind: “We see you are involved. What you did cannot be undone. We see your responsibility. We leave the shame with you.”
We have all gone astray from our deepest values and desires. We’ve all been on the receiving end of someone who violated us. Guilt, my friends, is not the problem. Guilt, when held properly, can actually be strengthening. What weakens and even debilitates us is that we cannot find a ritual, communal, safe means to be honest with ourselves and others. Then, the guilt – or unresolved anger at another – burns deeply (“what we resist, persists”), and does it’s own kind of damage to our souls. This is something that all the world’s spiritualities recognize.
I celebrate that these three major religions have a meaningful path for doing this work, in community. It is a deep human need. I invite you to find your ways to walk this path, whether in constellation work or in other ways.
What is your experience with guilt, or dealing with the guilty in your life? Please share on my blog below.
Note: I admit, our nature photos this issue are NOT from my home in Northern New Mexico. 🙂 They are from my recent visit to my brother and sister-in-law’s home in Hawaii. Enjoy!
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