What is the Right Way to Deal with Trauma?

Our society, and we as individuals, are suffering from a lot of repressed trauma. We see it all over the place – the way we hurt each other out of old unresolved injuries (“hurt people hurt people”) and the way nations can suddenly burst into violence due to histories that have yet to be reckoned with.

Individuals come to work with me and other practitioners to fix problems in their life now which stem from their own old traumas, often in childhood. We are told “the only way out is through.” And we resolve to face the shadows that dog us, so we can finally put them behind us.

There is immense truth in all this. The First Order of Love in Families is to “Honor What Is.” It begins to address the inter-generational loss of the truth of what happened, and a way to memorialize and honor it all, right now, as we are. It is incredibly powerful.

But there are one or two caveats about this movement that are really important. I’ve heard practitioners and others talk about “going into the trauma,” and I’m not sure that’s a great way to talk about what it is we are up to when we do this work. What happened was terrible; is it necessary to re-feel everything that took place? Who would sign up for that? And, although it produces a lot of feeling, I’m not sure it really works most of the time.

In constellations, here is the goal: To face our suffering, and the suffering of our ancestors, squarely – with dignity, support and love. As we gaze upon these events and people, including our childhood selves, we can begin to recognize their resilience and dignity – their strength, even in the midst of the worst. We honor them and our younger selves, acknowledging that yes, it all happened exactly that way, and that we have an enduring place in our hearts for all that happened. It is an immensely strengthening activity, and as we do it, we feel a paradoxical movement: as we honor them by leaving the experience with them, we regain our own power to live life as it is.

The next step is to turn. But not away, as if we are forgetting everything, or acting rudely in any sense. But rather to allow these events and people – which now hold great dignity, even the worst of it – to be at our backs to support us, as we now face LIFE and our future.

This doesn’t happen simply. It can take a while for each step (and many smaller steps in-between). Sometimes, it unfolds over months or even years. It often needs to include many different specific details that are important to your life, and to your ancestors’ lives. It can take a bit of time to honor it thoroughly. And yet, we find that, once we start the movement, it can have a lovely momentum that takes us forward, inexorably.

Unresolved trauma, even when unconscious, means that we are conducting our lives facing backwards, toward the past. It is defining out life. But as we give our fullest attention to it, and then let it with respect to be part of our past, we find ourselves able to harvest our power back to ourselves, to be put to what’s most important: our present and future.

Diving into trauma is not usually a great idea, and there are many healing practices that acknowledge that there are other movements that are really important. Black women are teaching us about the revolutionary impact of self-care, and in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (an approach to learning how to self-regulate), one of the key skills is, unexpectedly, “distraction,” which apparently we really need sometimes when it’s all just too much!

Constellations offers us a gentle way to address trauma – not to be thrown into it, but to see it, with some distance and support, honor it for what it was, and turn to take our renewed energy to a life we are called to live.

What is your experience of “dealing” with old trauma? Let’s expand the conversation! Share your thoughts and questions on my blog, below.