In a healthy family, children develop the capacity to be separate and still belong. Psychologists call this “individuation”: when as adults we are capable both of independence AND intimacy. We need both to be whole, and when they are in correct balance, there is no impression that there is a conflict between the two – they support each other, making life rich, full of growth, connection, support, and mutual discovery.
At a recent Family Constellations gathering in Berkeley, our two constellations revealed to us the opposite poles of this dynamic – one client needing a deeper sense of belonging to where he came from, and another needing to feel separation and independence from a parent who was psychologically two close.
It was important to be able to tell the difference: we wouldn’t want to push the person who needed distance to be closer; and we wouldn’t want to invite more independence for the person needing relationship. Constellation work is like a tuning fork in this way – it tells us pretty clearly which direction will help, and which direction will feel like we are only adding to the distortions in the family.
Oddly enough, both movements ended up inviting connection: for one person, a re-connection with the deepest threads of his ancestral lineage and its very particular history and stories and saints; for the other person, the distance actually allowed a safer kind of connection than had been possible for a long time.
Starting in late September, I will again be leading a six-month course on how to facilitate constellations. One aspect of our learning will be to notice sensitively when a system is longing for closeness, and when it is asking for distance. As we do that, we will be able to feel it in ourselves, and start again to trust our bodies to know what it needs, and how to get those needs met.
Where are you on the spectrum of connection and distance? How have you noticed these dynamics showing up in your life? You are invited to continue the conversation on my blog here.
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