Most of us can look back on our lives and see the half-dozen or so events or ‘interventions’ that made the outcome of our lives quite different than they would have been.
For me, one of those was Alateen, the 12-step group for teenage children of alcoholics. I started attending when I was about twelve years old, feeling increasingly crazy in an alcoholic household. I can’t say Alateen was my favorite thing in the world, but a few things I learned there were, I believe, life-saving.
One of them was: when there is an alcoholic in the household, you all have the problem, and it affects all of you. In a sense, everyone in the household has “alcoholism.”
I can’t tell you the difference this made for me. It explained why I was feeling so crazy, and it gave me a break around how hard it was for me to function well.
This was my introduction to systemic thinking. My situation could not be boiled down to a label we’d put (understandably) on my father. It was much more complex than that. That environment has affected me ever since, carrying it with me through my life.
But it’s bigger than that, isn’t it? Because we live in an addictive culture – busy trying to numb the pain that surrounds us. Addictive behavior affects us and is role modeled to us as a “sexy” option, constantly.
So, when I deal with this in the constellation of a client, we look at it both from this larger cultural context, and the specific context of the family and the heart-ache of the particular relationships and lives that are injured by addiction. We look at the cultural pain being numbed, and the particular family pain that is being numbed.
Only then can we honor – truly honor – the love and desire for life intended in the addictions. At that point, we can experience enough release to start choosing more freely and bravely for ourselves.
Starting soon, I will again be leading a six-month course on how to facilitate constellations. Together, we will see what a significant error it is to see these issues as individual and only about the particular person with the label. We will become curious about the system of the family, and the larger cultural system that creates a situation where addictions make sense.
I have extended the early bird on this training through September 4th, so now is the time to connect with me to ask your questions and dive in!
What’s your experience of addictions in your family and larger culture? You are invited to continue the conversation on my blog here.
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