All of my clients come to me with painful, hidden patterns that won’t change, no matter what they do. Things like:
- They keep choosing partners who don’t respect them.
- They can’t find success in their work.
- They can’t make enough money to be secure financially.
- They struggle with depression or anxiety.
In my last blog, I talked a bit why this is true neurologically. But there’s another way to look at the why these patterns don’t change:
For some part of us, this painful pattern is the best shot at survival, happiness and success that it can imagine.
Now, this sounds completely wacky (that’s a technical term). How can something that is so painful and unwanted be something that seen as good and useful by some part of us? But I guarantee it, it’s true. And here’s a useful exercise to play with, next time you feel like banging your head against a wall when a pattern comes up.
Just ask yourself, if there was something good intended by this pattern, what might it be? If we applied this to the above bullet list, what might we come up with?
- By choosing partners who disrespect me, I never have it any better than my mother, whose partners disrespected her. I’ll never leave her behind.
- If I don’t have success, I’ll never fail.
- If I never have enough money, I am guaranteed to never be like my wealthy ancestors who got their money dishonestly or at someone else’s expense.
- By being unhappy, I respect my ancestors who died terribly in an historical tragedy.
These may not be your answers, but they are the answers for a lot of my clients. It turns out that they are up to something very, very good for themselves! This is always true.
Knowing this doesn’t change everything, but it’s usually a powerful re-frame that lays the foundation for further, deeper change.
What hidden good thing may you be up to, without even knowing it?
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