Do you get Facebook postings like these? Along with pretty pictures, they try to encourage us with advice like:
- Taking one step at a time makes life easier to navigate rather than always looking at the big picture.
- When we learn to face our fears, we learn to observe our thoughts and feelings but not be ruled by them.
- Try taking the reins and begin assigning a kinder meaning to the events in your life and you will likely find yourself on a much more pleasant ride.
Who can argue with any of these recommendations? But when we’re stuck in negative ways of living, thinking or behaving, good advice almost never helps. I don’t know about you, but when I feel like I can’t easily apply the good advice, some part of me feels like a failure–why can’t I do this simple, good thing?
Will power is lovely when our conscious and unconscious minds are in alignment. We experience this all the time, and it is so easy that we don’t even notice it happened. I want to go for a hike and…I go for a hike! I want to eat a healthy meal and…I eat a healthy meal! I want to call my friend and go for a movie with her and…that’s exactly what I do!
And then, there are those days when we can’t do something as seemingly simple as go on a hike, eat a healthy meal or call a friend and go for a movie. We tell ourselves we ought to, even that we want to, but find it impossible, and sit in despair and confusion at our stasis.
Will power, in this context, is a fiction.
Our “will power” works when things are aligned, and it absolutely doesn’t when things are not aligned. Sometimes you can shove yourself to do a thing for a while, but that kind of forceful will power doesn’t usually work for long, and it’s often a pretty miserable experience.
The unconscious and the conscious mind need to be on the same page for anything like will power to work (and then, it’s not really will power, it’s just choice!). On rare occasions, we feel a spontaneous re-alignment, and it’s just about the loveliest thing we can experience: we suddenly toss the pack of cigarettes in the trash, we find ourselves with renewed energy for our stalled job search, we joyfully call a friend after weeks of withdrawal.
This re-alignment can be arranged through good change work. Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Family Constellations rather excel at it, in my experience.
What is longing for re-alignment in your life?
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