Belonging isn’t merely necessary – it’s actually inevitable. Despite all the ways we often feel thrown out, or like we are too different, or that we ourselves walked away, belonging still endures. What do I mean when I say that?
Last week I introduced my video series on the Orders of Love. “Belonging” is one of those Orders of Love. As a review, before I dive more into belonging, here is the intro I wrote for that series:
All systems have patterns they “prefer.” Without those patterns, systems become unhealthy for the participants, and unsustainable in the long run.
Bert Hellinger, the founder of Family Constellations, called these patterns “Orders of Love.” (If for any reason you don’t like “orders” – a very German word! – then “patterns” or “rhythms” work fine, too.) Hellinger observed families, in particular, and over time noticed that there were a few basic ways families, at an unconscious level, “liked” to be organized. When those didn’t get maintained somehow, there was dysfunction.
When we meet a family or other system that isn’t working well, we can use Hellinger’s categories (“orders”) to inquire into what is going on – how, specifically, is the distress being maintained? And, these orders can hold the key to healing.
Hellinger noticed a number of specific patterns. Some of them are:
- Honoring & Including “What Is”
- Respecting Belonging
- Respecting Seniority, Role & Contribution
- Respecting the Balance of Giving & Taking
- Addressing Wrongs (without Revenge)
Today, I am launching into the second order: Respecting Belonging, or what I am calling “Inevitable Belonging.” (If you missed it, you can still see last week’s video on the Order of Love with Respect to Honoring & Including ‘What Is.’)
If you like what you hear, check out my upcoming offerings: a weekend constellations workshop in Mt. Shasta, California, and my constellations training that starts in September.
And, it will be yummy and useful for anyone who ever struggles with how to include the most difficult parts of their ancestral history.
We all grow when we share our stories. And, I am really supported when people who connect with my writing share it so that others can see it. If you have a response, to please share it on my blog, below. Thank you!
Thank you, Leslie, just what I needed to see today. Funny because my sister is away in a city this weekend where my Aunt lived when she was alive, she ran away never to return. Her name was Lesley. And tomorrow is the birthday of the step son I used to have. When his father and I broke up, it took a bit longer for my relationship with his son to dwindle. and a disconnection and rejection of me from his other children.
So ex-step children must be part of the order of love?
Interesting what you also said in your earlier video about your ancestors going back to the pilgrims, I think I had told you so were mine, nearly a direct descendant from someone on the Mayflower. I feel as if I worked through over the years my ancestors being slave owners but when you said the genocide of the native americans, the hairs on my arms stood on end. So must look into this.
Lots of love xx
Hi Kate! Good to hear from you. Yes, everyone who was in the previous family has a belonging to each other. Having said that, bonds of belonging vary in intensity, appropriately. That’s actually part of a different Order of Love, which has to do with precedence and role. So the less intense connection with your step son makes sense, although it is sad that there is so little connection now. You share something important: his father. And, you can hold that connection with him in your heart (which is often what we need to do when life presents us with relationships that require distance or otherwise have come to an end). Blessings!
Thanks Leslie, Ill do that. 🙂
Hi Leslie –
Thanks so much for your 2 videos on respecting what is and on belonging. I forwarded to a friend to whom I’ve been trying my best to describe the principles of constellations, and these are so straightforward and heartfelt. Thank you, thank you…am looking forward to your next video.
XO
Priya (in Seattle, met you at Fran’s)
Thank you so much, Priya! I’m delighted you liked the videos, and thank you so much for sharing them!